Rating albums on a number system is frankly a bit of a waste of time. It’s hard to give a number to a feeling, you like it or you don’t. However, it’s a bit of an industry standard so we can’t just say no. Well we can but we like to follow the crowd.
It’s also pretty unfair to judge every album the same way, can a small independent band really go on the same scale as a band like Iron Maiden. Can a death metal band be classed in the same way as a power metal band , is rating something out five fair in general? No! But we’ll ignore the last one in order to implement this review system based on facial hair, body parts and metal. This is in no way a completed list, there are many more beards and many more body parts out there and we wont pass up on the ability to take a joke far too far. For now though, 5 out of 5 has a new meaning.
- Pretty Shit
- Not Bad
- Pretty Awesome
As you can probably guess, most albums will fall in the 3/4 camp unless they’re particularly good or awful.
There aren’t many folk metal bands that have made it as big as Turisas. Playing their own unique strand called Battle Metal; few things are quite as “battle” as a huge Lord Kitchener-esque moustache. For this reason, Jussi Wickstrom’s powerful facial hair is the judge of folk metal as it would most likely battle anyone who disagrees with a review.
Death Metal is rated by Corpsegrinder necks, these behemoths speak for themselves, to earn all five requires the most windmillingy, throat rippingly, Christ killingly brutal death metal known to man.
Power metal is rated by the arm of Bob Catley. Now you may associate Catley with AOR band Magnum and wonder why he would be the standard upon which all power metal is rated. Don’t forget he performs with Tobias Sammet’s power metal supergroup, Avantasia. When he’s on stage his arm is waving about feeling every single note, whether he sings it, the guitar plays it, the crowd sings it or even if it doesn’t exist. It has a life of its own, and is powered by metal . Don’t believe us, take a look at this video, see if that right arm of his stops moving. Something that is powered that much by power metal surely deserves to judge others.
That or Eric Adams, you can’t go wrong with Eric Adams.
Progressive metal is rated by the moustache that adorns the top lip of Mr Mikael Akerfeldt of the band Opeth. To earn all five requires half an hour to have passed but the album is only at the beginning of track three.
Gandalf is wise, Gandalf has a white beard, Abbath’s beard is white, therefore the review is wise.
Melodic Death Metal OR anything to do with Vikings in the slightest
The only beard with Odin on its side, this beard holds so much power it surely deserves to be a tool of judgement. And of course any mention of Vikings will be judged using the Thor approved facial hair.
Rock is rated by one of the darkest beards to be attached to any man’s face, Neil Fallon’s beard. This thing even looks heavy, there would be no surprise if guitar chords ring out when he strokes it.